Schedules and more!

I've been neglecting thoughtful blog posts lately, mostly because I have hardly had the time to breathe, what with boys, lunches, therapies, cleaning, trips, getting sick, knitting, and sleep. (Don't knock those last two, they make all the others possible I tell you). Today I'm writing for real, juggling two topics, and hoping I manage to get to everything in a moderately coherent few paragraphs.

Topic #1: The Second Child Syndrome
I realize that every second child gets a little less attention that their older counterpart, just by virtue of the math involved. Twenty-four hours in a day can only be divided so many times, and every child has to take a bit, so siblings get just a bit less than than eldest did when s/he was solo. In our house, Toby gets probably a little less attention than most second kids, since Henry requires a lot of time and energy. Aspergers is a tough nut, especially before age five, so while mommy and papa work very hard on making sure Henry keeps it together, Toby gets to fight for attention.

This fight he's learning might be a good thing, except that he is really working for the attention hard, all the time, and it's affecting him at school. Today he went back to try to do naptime again, since he has been doing really well with lying still for naptime at home. We are fully bribing with Oreos, but I need the kid to nap, and I really really need him to nap at school because otherwise my schedule becomes this completely unruly beast that might well be the end of me.

With Henry, we had to focus on ten million things all at once, and were working on getting him to learn about talking and having a conversation, and also trying to teach him self-control. His melt-downs were just not the same beast as Toby's very typical two-year-old tantrums, and Henry was simply not the little demand-machine that Toby is most of the time. We are novice parents again, but novice parents who are stretched absurdly thin trying to manage getting a four year old with Aspergers ready for life. Toby's missing out a bit, and I'm not sure how we fix that. We need to. He needs us to fix it, because he needs to learn things from us. And we need to be teaching him and feeling good about that, rather than feeling guilty, exhausted, and frustrated - especially when he gets sent home from school for disrupting naptime. (Fingers crossed, today is his magic turn around day. We need your vibes!)

And all that brings me to... Topic #2: The Schedule Dilemma

Striving for a simple schedule is a fundamental element of the parenting philosophy that I want desperately to embrace. After seeing Kim John Payne talk, listening to his CDs, reading his books, I feel him. I do. I'm having a rough-as-hell time integrating simplicity into our home life, in large part because I have this conflicted feeling about scheduling.

Everyone says that kids with autism and Aspergers need to get as much intervention as possible before age five - that this window is crucial to their development, their chances for success now and in the future - this is the make-it-or-break-it period. So we are getting Henry as much therapy as we can. We are also encouraging peer interactions by having him in his Waldorf school five days a week, which gives him space for free play with peers, a rhythm for the day and week, a community for friends, and space for mama to get some things done when she can focus on them fully. Henry's schedule is nuts, though.

Here, you be the judge - sample week:
Monday: Speech therapy 8:30-9, Hyperbaric 9:15-10:15, School 10:30-1:45, ABA therapy 2-5, Social Skills Group 5-6. Dinner, bath, bed at 7:30.
Tuesday: OT 9-10, School 10:15-3
Wednesday: OT 9-10, School 10:15-2:45, ABA 3-5
Thursday: Speech 8:30-9, Hyperbaric 9:15-10:15, School 10:30-3:00
Friday: School 8:30-1:45, ABA 2-5
Saturday: Speech Language Pathologist student meeting, Therapy Center Kids Fun night
Sunday: School Michaelmas Celebration

I'd love it if we could have a simple schedule, but I'm genuinely not sure how to make that happen without sacrificing some of the therapeutic opportunities for Henry. Oh, and this schedule ignores the fact that he and his brother get sick, his brother has to see the eye specialist about every month or so, and we inevitably have to rearrange things to accommodate things like the school district evaluation he has tomorrow (all day? I have no idea) because they want to judge for themselves, not trust all of his therapists about how he is doing.

Also playing into this dilemma - Toby and the naptime... I drop Toby at school at 8:40, and if he doesn't stay for naptime, I have to pick him up at 11:45, before lunch. Then I have to feed him and figure out how to make a nap work, and ALSO figure out how to manage driving Henry around in the afternoon when Toby is sleeping. You see, kid needs to nap at school, so I can pick him up at 2:40, making every day but Wednesday completely manageable. For me.

I have knitting in Mondays most weeks, and Bret has work many Wednesday nights. We juggle all of this but it's getting a bit absurd. Oh, and trying to potty train kids with this schedule - honestly, just thinking about it is making me want to stab a fork in my eye. Especially because Toby wants attention, so he'll tell you he has to go potty, ALL THE TIME. But still pee his pants. It's rad.

If I was trying to work right now, I would completely lose it. I know that millions of parents do juggle all this crap, four other kids, and also two full time jobs, and MY GOD THEY ARE AWESOME. They are not me.

So, superhumans, or regular humans with brains that can figure out these things: thoughts on getting Toby in line? Thoughts on getting our schedule into a more manageable state? Thoughts on finding joy in this chaos? I'll take it all.

Now, looking back over this, I'm feeling like this is more of a rant than a post that is meaningful and helpful in any way, and I feel badly about that. I'm not going to change it, however, because I really don't have any answers here. I'm feeling my way through blind, so a little complaining is about what I've got. For now. I do see things getting better. I have a feeling I'm getting better at managing things, even though it seems like I am not better at it most days. It's the rare occasion that someone asks me a question, and I have an answer, or Henry initiates a peer interaction that is totally normal, or Toby and Henry get wrapped up in giggles chatting across the dinner table that I think, wow, this is OK. And because I have those moments, I do know it's all OK, even when I moan about it.

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Totally unrelated to my ramblings, my sister-in-law has a lovely blog, and a lovely giveaway running until Wednesday, and since she is lovely you should visit The Lovely Owl today. And every day.

Summer Vacation

Remember that aspirational blog schedule? Yeah, me either.

I'm on summer vacation. Of course, by summer vacation I mean frantic driving about town to an absurd number of appointments, juggling kid schedules that keep changing, and trying to do all of this in the air conditioning because we live in a Florida swamp.

But seriously, I have actually been meeting up with mamas for knitting, and doing things like canning and baking and yogurt making. We are making fresh peach vodka (hello!) and some fun and fancy meals that I have pleased me. We've made pickles and jam and bread galore, and I am shopping as much as possible for whole foods and raw foods at the co-op, or bartering with friends, and things are kind of awesome. We are finally (finally!) moving into some real, actual, working progress in the remodel arena, and planning a yard sale this weekend. Seriously, I think we are getting life together, bit by bit, so the blog has been neglected.

But here are some fun pictures of my canning escapades last weekend. We got some new equipment, which is lovely, and I salvaged some old equipment from my mother's days of canning madness. This year I got started late, so I'm making jam from fresh-frozen berries we picked, hulled, and froze months ago. Fortunately, things are working OK. Henry. Maya, and Lantz have all, so far, given it seals of approval, and that's a tough crowd.

I'll be back on the blogging track after Labor Day. We head out to Alabama for Labor Day weekend to visit my brother and his lovely wife in Birmingham, and when we return, both boys will be in preschool. So, even though the whole construction thing will be stressing me out and all that, I have a feeling I will finally have some time to sit, and think, and write a few things down. Possibly even not-kid-related things. Jeezey creezey.

So canning fun - strawberry jam - let me know if you want some, I need to share and keep rolling it out, we have lots of frozen berries!

Mama Monday: I love these kids. So. Much.

Make Something Friday: Celebration Ring

In these dog days of summer, our little family unit doesn't have any birthdays to celebrate for a good long while, so why I am planning this Celebration Ring project above others is not something that makes a tiny bit of logical sense.

I am just completely in love with it, have all the necessary materials, and can do it in my lap on the couch - WINNER!

I found it on a lovely and inspiring blog - Rhythm & Rhyme - which has given me yet another reason to want to move to Australia.

If you are not familiar with Waldorf education, and Waldorf-style birthday celebrations for small children, you won't say "be still my heart!" just looking at this piece. But, if you have ever had the distinct joy of celebrating your child's birthday with his or her Waldorf class, you might be crying already.

I knew there was a magical birthday tradition at Henry's preschool, and I knew everyone loved it, but I was fully unprepared for how amazing, beautiful, moving - good lord, who even has the words? I sat in a room of silent two, three and four year olds, next to Henry, wearing his crown and rainbow cape, while his teacher told the most amazing story about a little boy choosing his family and coming through the clouds and across the rainbow bridge to join them. He knew exactly what to do, and crossed the little bridge, and did the candles, and it was magic. I sat there and cried, and smiled, and cried. And not a kid in the room looked at me funny, because I am guessing that I am not the first parent to sit there sobbing filled with love and joy and pride, but also humbling, pure, raw emotion. (Full disclosure, thinking back on it now and typing the overview is making me sit here and cry. It was so moving.) After the tradition was finished, we shared lovely special snack, and felt so lucky to have him in this world with me.

So with the rainbow bridge, there is this deep and beautiful meaning for me, and I hope for the boys since they are (or will be) getting Waldorf education. Gnomes are a central part of Henry's school and the Waldorf tradition and folklore embodied in so many of the stories, and the natural light of candles can be so calming. It's a simple little project, but one that I am really looking forward to making.

Oh, and I'm hoping to get shelves installed, the boys' bedroom together for sharing, the baby furniture sold on craigslist, and the nursery turned into an office. Before Monday. Happy weekend!

Oh, heck yeah!!

I Love...

... that we can go strawberry picking on a Saturday afternoon with almost no plans just twenty minutes from our house. I love that the farm accepts food stamps for the fresh fruits and veggies that they sell, because getting fresh foods to folks in need is important. I love the crazy pink smiles my kids make when they are in berry heaven. I love that we flew kites after picking berries, and that we are making time and space to freeze those suckers right this year! I love Gainesville, early summer, my family, and fun weekends. Love.

Sometimes There Are Moments...

One thing I have discovered during this crazy adventure of becoming a parent and all the hullaballoo that comes along with it is that I sometimes don't want to be a parent. This is not to say that I don't adore my children and that I am not head over heels in love with every teeny tiny thing they do, but I miss being able to call it in every now and again. I miss being able to stay in bed on a Saturday and read a whole book. I miss being able to, on the fly, make plans at 5:00 for a dinner date with friends that night, and have the option of dancing afterwards just be open. I miss sleeping in until the last possible moment and running around getting ready in five minutes and flying out the door - and having that be OK.

I don't miss these things all the time, but lately I have been missing them a bit more than perhaps I ought to miss them. It could be that winter makes even the most energetic among us want to hibernate (shut up, it does and you know it) or it could be that juggling all the therapy schedules with fundraising for Henry's school, my own therapy, diet, yoga, and other aspirational plans is hard. I almost always lose the "who's got the most important appointment" game, and all the snacks wreck my diet. If I had will power it would be easier, sure, but hey.

Today wasn't one of those days, though. I was surprised. I was tired and cranky in the morning, and wanted to go back to bed more than anything. But Toby is cute, and we managed to make it to the kitchen for his milk with lots of smiles and squeals, and that set us on a good course for the day. Things went pretty smoothly, all day. Henry went to school. Toby and I shopped at TWO grocery stores. He napped. I napped. We woke up at the last minute and picked up Henry. Now, in a perfect world I would have not napped, been ready for the post-school snack demands, had everything together and my gym clothes on, and I would have made it to yoga. But that didn't happen, and instead of being annoyed or stressed, I let it go. I let the boys play and watch a couple of shows while I did a few things, and then we just unplugged for a while. We tickled and laughed and played. It was fun, and I found myself genuinely enjoying spending time with my children more than I have in a while. That sounds awful, but it's really just that I have so much on my plate these days, I find it hard to let go and just BE with them. This afternoon, I did, and it was awesome.

And then, after dinner and bath time, Henry and I bundled up and walked around the front yard finding out what the big stars were. His iPad is awesome, so you point it at the sky and it tells you what you are seeing. His favorites were Jupiter and Beetlegeuse (I am sure I spelled that wrong, screw it), and he was terribly disappointed that there was no moon tonight. It was a lovely, random, brief encounter that made me remember how much I adore this kid. He can be difficult, and his challenges are very real, but he is awesome. And sweet. And smart. It was the perfect way to end a great day.

There are a million kinds of moments in parenthood; I'm hoping that this year I will be able to have a lot more of today's moments, because they are wonderful and sweet and make all the early mornings worth it. OK, maybe not ALL the early mornings, but at least two days a week.

Adrift, for three days.

Thanks to the cleverness of my lady friends, the kindness of my husband, and the desperation of Carnival Cruise Lines to sell tickets, I am about to embark on a little, tiny jaunt to the Bahamas. Nothing fancy; we leave tonight and return Sunday morning early, and we are only docked in Nassau, which is not the most exotic or exciting place in the Bahamas, and there is a good chance of at least some rain.... BUT, I am super excited to have a few days of adult conversations that are not interrupted by requests for help with play dough or mediation over wooden food items. I'm excited for time to read, and sleep, and just be. I may work out. I may drink a little. I may buy a grass bag, who knows! I will drink lots of free iced tea, read, knit, and sleep (hopefully in the sun by the beach or the pool) and will not feel guilty for more than a moment. I'll miss my boogers, but they are home with papa, getting excellent quality boy time together, so that will be magic for them.

Off to pack, now that I am less than two hours from my departure time... Oh, when will I learn that procrastination is not the best policy? (or is it...?)

Happiness is...

...two sleeping boys, a good check up for Toby with the eye specialist, and packing for a trip to Napa for KK's wedding (to awesome Jon). A nap for me will make this afternoon epic, so I am off to make that happen!

My Almost Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I don't really remember a lot of things from my childhood for some reason. I do, however, very distinctly remember that my elementary school principal (Mr. Bond) would lead assembly every morning, and every once in a while (once a year I think) he would have a day that kept him from getting prepped, and he'd tell us that happened and then read us "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." It's a book about a boy who has a really crappy day.

It happens. Sometimes you just have a really cruddy day. Everything that could go wrong, does. Things you never imagined could go wrong go horribly wrong. I had begun crafting this post in my head as I was driving home from the grocery store around 3pm the other day because I was having one of those days. Fortunately, however, things turned around; it wasn't a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but it almost was.

Things didn't really start to slide until mid-day. I was tired. I couldn't get Toby to nap, so I took him shopping. I had a lot of things to get at Target, but went to grab some more tops at Old Navy first. They didn't have them. They had nothing. I got a call from Henry's school that he was not napping, kicking, and yelling, so I needed to come pick him up since he was disrupting naptime. I never got to Target, Toby screamed the whole way, and I got a note with Henry that said he'd been being a bad napper for a couple of weeks. Great. They screamed in the car on the way home. I realized we really needed to go to the grocery store, Henry pitched a fit wanting a cookie, so even though it seemed like a bad idea, we did it. I had to feed Toby in the parking lot, which didn't really work out (more screaming, no eating). Henry spit all of his water out onto the front of his shirt and we had no other set of clothes. Nothing good was on sale. The veggies were not good at all. Henry pitched a fit and kept standing up in the cart and grabbing everything. Toby woke up in the sling, had on no glasses, and looked as though he might cry at any moment. At the car, I found I had dumped a whole mug of coffee into the driver's seat and my nursing cover. I had to sit, in my new jeans, in coffee to get home. It was during this drive I started reliving assembly and Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

But...

When I got home, things started to turn around. Henry's teacher called me and was incredibly sweet, putting me at ease and relieving my stress that Henry was disrupting class all the time. We made a plan to tackle the no-nap craziness. Toby took a nap and I got to play with Henry. We ended up having a delicious dinner, thanks to our trip to the grocery. All the veggies I couldn't buy because they were not looking good, out of stock, or way overpriced were picked up by Bret at the Farmer's market on the way home. Oh, and the ONE thing I grabbed before getting pulled from Old Navy is great. And I got most of the coffee stain out of my nursing cover (enough to be OK with it). Bret and I tag-teamed the boys and the cleaning and cooking really well, and had a nice evening together. It all really worked out in the end, even though it was looking grim.

I think it's a good thing to remember that every now and again, you really do just have a bad day. Things will get better, and it's even kind of funny because it's just so bad, but it's OK to just have a bad day. It happens to everyone and life goes on. And it's also great to remember that even those days that start out really bad can turn around. Keeping your sense of humor and keeping perspective is so important, because you never know when things can flip. So in the end, I got two really great lessons the other day, and I got to remember that I learned a lot from Mr. Bond showing us he was human and reading us a very good book about a very bad day.