I've been neglecting thoughtful blog posts lately, mostly because I have hardly had the time to breathe, what with boys, lunches, therapies, cleaning, trips, getting sick, knitting, and sleep. (Don't knock those last two, they make all the others possible I tell you). Today I'm writing for real, juggling two topics, and hoping I manage to get to everything in a moderately coherent few paragraphs.
Topic #1: The Second Child Syndrome
I realize that every second child gets a little less attention that their older counterpart, just by virtue of the math involved. Twenty-four hours in a day can only be divided so many times, and every child has to take a bit, so siblings get just a bit less than than eldest did when s/he was solo. In our house, Toby gets probably a little less attention than most second kids, since Henry requires a lot of time and energy. Aspergers is a tough nut, especially before age five, so while mommy and papa work very hard on making sure Henry keeps it together, Toby gets to fight for attention.
This fight he's learning might be a good thing, except that he is really working for the attention hard, all the time, and it's affecting him at school. Today he went back to try to do naptime again, since he has been doing really well with lying still for naptime at home. We are fully bribing with Oreos, but I need the kid to nap, and I really really need him to nap at school because otherwise my schedule becomes this completely unruly beast that might well be the end of me.
With Henry, we had to focus on ten million things all at once, and were working on getting him to learn about talking and having a conversation, and also trying to teach him self-control. His melt-downs were just not the same beast as Toby's very typical two-year-old tantrums, and Henry was simply not the little demand-machine that Toby is most of the time. We are novice parents again, but novice parents who are stretched absurdly thin trying to manage getting a four year old with Aspergers ready for life. Toby's missing out a bit, and I'm not sure how we fix that. We need to. He needs us to fix it, because he needs to learn things from us. And we need to be teaching him and feeling good about that, rather than feeling guilty, exhausted, and frustrated - especially when he gets sent home from school for disrupting naptime. (Fingers crossed, today is his magic turn around day. We need your vibes!)
And all that brings me to... Topic #2: The Schedule Dilemma
Striving for a simple schedule is a fundamental element of the parenting philosophy that I want desperately to embrace. After seeing Kim John Payne talk, listening to his CDs, reading his books, I feel him. I do. I'm having a rough-as-hell time integrating simplicity into our home life, in large part because I have this conflicted feeling about scheduling.
Everyone says that kids with autism and Aspergers need to get as much intervention as possible before age five - that this window is crucial to their development, their chances for success now and in the future - this is the make-it-or-break-it period. So we are getting Henry as much therapy as we can. We are also encouraging peer interactions by having him in his Waldorf school five days a week, which gives him space for free play with peers, a rhythm for the day and week, a community for friends, and space for mama to get some things done when she can focus on them fully. Henry's schedule is nuts, though.
Here, you be the judge - sample week:
Monday: Speech therapy 8:30-9, Hyperbaric 9:15-10:15, School 10:30-1:45, ABA therapy 2-5, Social Skills Group 5-6. Dinner, bath, bed at 7:30.
Tuesday: OT 9-10, School 10:15-3
Wednesday: OT 9-10, School 10:15-2:45, ABA 3-5
Thursday: Speech 8:30-9, Hyperbaric 9:15-10:15, School 10:30-3:00
Friday: School 8:30-1:45, ABA 2-5
Saturday: Speech Language Pathologist student meeting, Therapy Center Kids Fun night
Sunday: School Michaelmas Celebration
I'd love it if we could have a simple schedule, but I'm genuinely not sure how to make that happen without sacrificing some of the therapeutic opportunities for Henry. Oh, and this schedule ignores the fact that he and his brother get sick, his brother has to see the eye specialist about every month or so, and we inevitably have to rearrange things to accommodate things like the school district evaluation he has tomorrow (all day? I have no idea) because they want to judge for themselves, not trust all of his therapists about how he is doing.
Also playing into this dilemma - Toby and the naptime... I drop Toby at school at 8:40, and if he doesn't stay for naptime, I have to pick him up at 11:45, before lunch. Then I have to feed him and figure out how to make a nap work, and ALSO figure out how to manage driving Henry around in the afternoon when Toby is sleeping. You see, kid needs to nap at school, so I can pick him up at 2:40, making every day but Wednesday completely manageable. For me.
I have knitting in Mondays most weeks, and Bret has work many Wednesday nights. We juggle all of this but it's getting a bit absurd. Oh, and trying to potty train kids with this schedule - honestly, just thinking about it is making me want to stab a fork in my eye. Especially because Toby wants attention, so he'll tell you he has to go potty, ALL THE TIME. But still pee his pants. It's rad.
If I was trying to work right now, I would completely lose it. I know that millions of parents do juggle all this crap, four other kids, and also two full time jobs, and MY GOD THEY ARE AWESOME. They are not me.
So, superhumans, or regular humans with brains that can figure out these things: thoughts on getting Toby in line? Thoughts on getting our schedule into a more manageable state? Thoughts on finding joy in this chaos? I'll take it all.
Now, looking back over this, I'm feeling like this is more of a rant than a post that is meaningful and helpful in any way, and I feel badly about that. I'm not going to change it, however, because I really don't have any answers here. I'm feeling my way through blind, so a little complaining is about what I've got. For now. I do see things getting better. I have a feeling I'm getting better at managing things, even though it seems like I am not better at it most days. It's the rare occasion that someone asks me a question, and I have an answer, or Henry initiates a peer interaction that is totally normal, or Toby and Henry get wrapped up in giggles chatting across the dinner table that I think, wow, this is OK. And because I have those moments, I do know it's all OK, even when I moan about it.
-----
Totally unrelated to my ramblings, my sister-in-law has a lovely blog, and a lovely giveaway running until Wednesday, and since she is lovely you should visit The Lovely Owl today. And every day.
Showing posts with label mamas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mamas. Show all posts
Monday, September 19, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Mama Monday
I was going to write a really meaty post about balancing parenting children with special needs, and attempting to simplify schedules and life while also getting kidlets all the therapy they can possibly need... But then Toby got kicked out of naptime at school (awesome phone call) and I can barely keep thoughts in my head. Sleepy two ear olds are a challenge. Oh, and two little kids were mean to Henry at school (creeps) and I miscalculated my knitting night so I don't get to do that until next week. I also didn't manage to get dinner started on time (soup from scratch is easy but takes time) so what are we eating for dinner? You tell me.
Good things: tomorrow I have a date with my knitting basket and the new Helen Mirren thriller, Henry and I have hyperbaric, my sitter is here all day, including cleaning hours, and we are headed to Vero Beach for the weekend on Thursday morning.
So, now I just need to do laundry and pack, make a cleaning checklist, figure out how to make my 2 year old not a terror (and also make him a child who naps!), and figure out dinner. Seriously, what's for dinner?
Good things: tomorrow I have a date with my knitting basket and the new Helen Mirren thriller, Henry and I have hyperbaric, my sitter is here all day, including cleaning hours, and we are headed to Vero Beach for the weekend on Thursday morning.
So, now I just need to do laundry and pack, make a cleaning checklist, figure out how to make my 2 year old not a terror (and also make him a child who naps!), and figure out dinner. Seriously, what's for dinner?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Mama Monday, Take One
Sometimes getting it together to do the things that would make me super-mama is a way bigger challenge than finding the initial inspiration. Take, for example, me desire to simplify our lives, our house, our schedule, and be more present with my kids. Has it happened in the magical way I envisioned it? Oh, hell no. Has it happened, really, at all? Maybe a tiny bit. A teeny tiny bit.
I have a list of craft projects that I *really* want to do hanging out bookmarked on my new computer, but I also have a list of books to read, things to clean, projects around the house, and other crafty projects that are not bookmarked to attend to - and that is if I have the motivation to anything other than eat ice cream and pie and watch TV. (OK, so that's just what I will probably do tonight, because I did bake a kickin' blueberry pie past night, so you know...)
I have been getting some knitting done. I have also been getting a little bit of research and organizing done to help me navigate Henry and his Aspergers. Of course, Toby has been in full time daycare the past week, and will be for the next month, and Henry has not been in school at all, so honestly scheduling has been so much easier for me. Whether it's all less stressful for the kids, eh?
I need tips from mamas or others on a few fronts, because I have these aspirations and I would really like to accomplish, and would love a little advice on making it come together:
1. Whole foods. While I would love to say that we never eat anything packaged, or take out, or crappy, we do. I am probably worse than the kids or Bret, but the reality is that our goals of not purchasing things we can make has not really worked out so well. We were doing better when we had the share from the CSA, but even then, I would hit the end of the day and not feel like cooking, and either cobble together something fast and dirty (and not generally something that Jamie Oliver would look kindly upon) or grab take out. Blech. We want to be baking bread, making cheese and yogurt, making crackers (maybe, that seems like it could be crazy-talk with my little nutters), making bagels... BUT, cooking with our crazy children around is next to impossible. By the time we hit the weekend, if Bret's inspired to make things, I've just gotten desperate for a break from being touched and whined at all the time, and hate letting him take off into the kitchen for hours. I don't really want to be in the kitchen for hours on end, in part because I am lacking in inspiration and confidence, and in part because I long for pre-kid weekends of sloth. Help me people. I need tips to inspire, and tips on freezer-ready foods! We do have a huge chest freezer, and having one cooking day a week and a few frozen-dinner-we-made-ourselves meals a week would be completely acceptable. Now if I could just get Henry to eat these things...
2. Crafting. I love knitting, handwork, needlework, blah blah - I need more time and more space for all of this craziness. I am getting better about keeping the stash manageable, and also getting better about not stockpiling too many projects because I am always finding new ones, but how do you crafty mamas do it? I see these amazing blogs, and I think to myself, "Self, these mamas cook from scratch, nourish their children's souls, look cute, make everything, and also take fashionably adorable photos of their cooking, houses, crafts, and clean children all the time. What gives?" Oh, and they have like five kids under seven to boot. Beyond the question of Who the hell are these people?, I want to know how they have the time to even create the image that they are making all this happen, and blogging about it?!?! It means that on some level the level of craftiness I want in my life must be possible, because I don't feel the need to be many of those other kinds of together, but I would like to be able to make a damn quilt once in a while.
3. Playdates. Where are you people and how can I find you? And how does anyone with children hang out with other people ever, because even with our more mellow schedule, I don't know that I could coordinate a playdate if I was getting paid to do it right now. Henry could use some more playdates, so holla!
4. General house maintenance. I feel like as we prep to do these renovations, everything is kind of falling apart. But I still need to call a plumber, possibly the alarm company, just had the phone company here, just got the AC fixed... Looking around, there are things that need painting, everything needs dusting, the exterior needs a good pressure-washing at minimum, every room could be cleaned out and reorganized. I don't have the time for any of this, let alone all of it so that we can have a nice house that's all put together. Or even a yard sale that would clear things out and also make us some money. It's like even these seemingly smaller-scale projects get swallowed in this overarching whole that is just, well, overwhelming. Not overwhelming in an end-of-the-world, or Hoarders kind of way, but just a little overwhelming. Enough to make me say a swear word under my breath and then opt to eat a piece of pie (I still need to go do that...)
So, send me your tips on whole foods (from scratch) cooking, baking, and canning, creating space for crafting, paying well with others, and generally getting my house in order. I know these are some of the ever-present mama issues, but whatever. I have to ask.
On another note, Toby and Henry are sharing "their" room for the first time tonight, so think happy thoughts for good bunk bed sleepers, with pleasant pixie dreams!
I have a list of craft projects that I *really* want to do hanging out bookmarked on my new computer, but I also have a list of books to read, things to clean, projects around the house, and other crafty projects that are not bookmarked to attend to - and that is if I have the motivation to anything other than eat ice cream and pie and watch TV. (OK, so that's just what I will probably do tonight, because I did bake a kickin' blueberry pie past night, so you know...)
I have been getting some knitting done. I have also been getting a little bit of research and organizing done to help me navigate Henry and his Aspergers. Of course, Toby has been in full time daycare the past week, and will be for the next month, and Henry has not been in school at all, so honestly scheduling has been so much easier for me. Whether it's all less stressful for the kids, eh?
I need tips from mamas or others on a few fronts, because I have these aspirations and I would really like to accomplish, and would love a little advice on making it come together:
1. Whole foods. While I would love to say that we never eat anything packaged, or take out, or crappy, we do. I am probably worse than the kids or Bret, but the reality is that our goals of not purchasing things we can make has not really worked out so well. We were doing better when we had the share from the CSA, but even then, I would hit the end of the day and not feel like cooking, and either cobble together something fast and dirty (and not generally something that Jamie Oliver would look kindly upon) or grab take out. Blech. We want to be baking bread, making cheese and yogurt, making crackers (maybe, that seems like it could be crazy-talk with my little nutters), making bagels... BUT, cooking with our crazy children around is next to impossible. By the time we hit the weekend, if Bret's inspired to make things, I've just gotten desperate for a break from being touched and whined at all the time, and hate letting him take off into the kitchen for hours. I don't really want to be in the kitchen for hours on end, in part because I am lacking in inspiration and confidence, and in part because I long for pre-kid weekends of sloth. Help me people. I need tips to inspire, and tips on freezer-ready foods! We do have a huge chest freezer, and having one cooking day a week and a few frozen-dinner-we-made-ourselves meals a week would be completely acceptable. Now if I could just get Henry to eat these things...
2. Crafting. I love knitting, handwork, needlework, blah blah - I need more time and more space for all of this craziness. I am getting better about keeping the stash manageable, and also getting better about not stockpiling too many projects because I am always finding new ones, but how do you crafty mamas do it? I see these amazing blogs, and I think to myself, "Self, these mamas cook from scratch, nourish their children's souls, look cute, make everything, and also take fashionably adorable photos of their cooking, houses, crafts, and clean children all the time. What gives?" Oh, and they have like five kids under seven to boot. Beyond the question of Who the hell are these people?, I want to know how they have the time to even create the image that they are making all this happen, and blogging about it?!?! It means that on some level the level of craftiness I want in my life must be possible, because I don't feel the need to be many of those other kinds of together, but I would like to be able to make a damn quilt once in a while.
3. Playdates. Where are you people and how can I find you? And how does anyone with children hang out with other people ever, because even with our more mellow schedule, I don't know that I could coordinate a playdate if I was getting paid to do it right now. Henry could use some more playdates, so holla!
4. General house maintenance. I feel like as we prep to do these renovations, everything is kind of falling apart. But I still need to call a plumber, possibly the alarm company, just had the phone company here, just got the AC fixed... Looking around, there are things that need painting, everything needs dusting, the exterior needs a good pressure-washing at minimum, every room could be cleaned out and reorganized. I don't have the time for any of this, let alone all of it so that we can have a nice house that's all put together. Or even a yard sale that would clear things out and also make us some money. It's like even these seemingly smaller-scale projects get swallowed in this overarching whole that is just, well, overwhelming. Not overwhelming in an end-of-the-world, or Hoarders kind of way, but just a little overwhelming. Enough to make me say a swear word under my breath and then opt to eat a piece of pie (I still need to go do that...)
So, send me your tips on whole foods (from scratch) cooking, baking, and canning, creating space for crafting, paying well with others, and generally getting my house in order. I know these are some of the ever-present mama issues, but whatever. I have to ask.
On another note, Toby and Henry are sharing "their" room for the first time tonight, so think happy thoughts for good bunk bed sleepers, with pleasant pixie dreams!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Open Letter to My Friend
I miss you so much. I find myself thinking of you more than I ever imagined I might. Sometimes it feels peaceful, and other times I'm terribly sad. Today was a mix. Visiting, in the shade of a beautiful tree, whispering to you all the things I've wanted to say, I was so sad, but so at peace.
I like to think you'd be proud of me for how I'm handling these mama-challenges I never expected. It's in the moments of most intense challenge that I find myself wishing I could talk to you, seek your advice, hold onto your calm. But it's also in the moments of bliss that I wish you were here to share them with me.
I don't know what step I'm on in terms if grieving you. I don't think I've fully accepted that you are gone, and I don't know how to get to a place of peace about losing you just at the moment that our lives were really coming together. I'm hoping that visiting today, marking today with rosemary on your grave, and thinking of you with a mix of joy and mourning will help me move forward.
Steckley is having her baby any time now. We are all visualizing her birthing her today (at her request), wishing for a peaceful birth. I'm hoping she will come today. Somehow, the thought of a life coming into the world today feels like salve for losing such a beautiful life on this day three years ago. Perhaps Steckley's daughter will possess some of your beauty, calm, and deep wisdom. And perhaps you will be with Steckley, and give her strength, as she brings more life into this world.
You were one of the most amazing mamas I have ever known. You helped shape my conception of motherhood, and I am so grateful to have had you in my life, even though it was for far too short a time.
I miss you, love you, and today I honor you.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Baby hat and bib, newborn-ish
Working right along, here is my second project recently completed. Given at a shower last weekend, for a dear little one to be who they are "98%" sure is a boy, this set is super soft organic cotton, which I found on super-sale at Michael's a few weeks ago. While I definitely prefer supporting the local yarn shop, I couldn't pass up clearance organic cotton, so you will see the colors I found in this in use in several upcoming projects.
I should note that I failed to take a photo of the first baby project I did this year, which was, after some truly miserable failures around Christmas, a minor success. It was a slightly-too-large hat; very sweet, tan, organic bamboo, and warmly received by the mama of sweet kittle Elliot, who I have not seen in way too long now!
I should note that I failed to take a photo of the first baby project I did this year, which was, after some truly miserable failures around Christmas, a minor success. It was a slightly-too-large hat; very sweet, tan, organic bamboo, and warmly received by the mama of sweet kittle Elliot, who I have not seen in way too long now!
Baby blanket #1, 2011
This is the first completed baby blanket for 2011. I have a lot of babies to go... This particular blanket was called "folksy" by my sweet huhsband, but I disagree. I think it's kind of hip, and I love it. I hope it's hip, because it is on it's way north to Chicago, where it will hopefully become a good summer accessory for a little city girl whose papa I love dearly and whose mama I still need to meet!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mother's Day
This year, I am trying to find peace and joy in Mother' Day. So instead of trying to get all intellectual or confessional this weekend, I will just paste. Because mamas are connected, because I'm a mama who loves peace, and because I love other mamas who love peace.
Mother's Day Proclamation, 1870, by Julia Ward Howe
Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."
From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.
And also, Marylynn, I miss you so much.
Mother's Day Proclamation, 1870, by Julia Ward Howe
Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."
From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.
And also, Marylynn, I miss you so much.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Good friends
This morning I was talking to a mama on the phone. Me talking on the phone with a mama friend was something special in and of itself, but more on that later. She was talking about another mama moving away, and how sad it was because it's so hard to make new friends as an adult. Bingo! (She is such a smart mama.)
One of my half-written posts is about my aversion to the telephone. Here's the quick version of that: I hate the phone. I don't know why exactly. I don't like my cell phone or the house phone (yes, we still have a land line). I don't like picking up voicemail or listening to the answering machine. I'm not into making calls, and I tend to not even like getting calls about 95% of the time. I tolerate the phone as a necessary evil in my life, but I really dislike it tremendously.
When you really try to avoid the phone like I do, it makes it tough to hang out with people. Other people like the phone, and it is a very useful tool for making plans and keeping in touch. I'll give it all this, but I still hate it. So it's really tough to make plans and playdates, and moving beyond the kind of acquaintance, getting to know you kind of interaction gets pretty stunted.
My mommy groups have helped tremendously with overcoming this difficulty. I've found that mamas that I see because we have a regular meeting time and place have, by default, become my sort-of friends, and what's very cool is that many have become really-truly friends. Of course, I still feel like there are a lot of people in my extended community that I ought to see more often (or at all), but don't. Even with my mama friends, my reticence to get on the dang phone ends up making it tough to make friendships stick very well, especially now when life is shifting and there are fewer organized times and spaces for interactions -- meaning I've got to be more proactive in the reaching out and planning. I'm working on that pretty actively now.
I've been able to start the seeds of a community of mamas around me (or at least see that the seeds have been sown) but now it's time to get down to the business of really making that work. It's kind of exciting, especially now that I am not working and can be more flexible with the schedule. (I'm also a little more desperate for things to do, as trying to entertain Henry on my own every day is just plain crazy. Kid needs more variety than that, and frankly so do I!)
I am working on all this, because I really really like so many of my mama friends, and miss so many of my friends that I just don't talk to much anymore because of the differences in our lives. Getting out there is so good for me, and having kid-o's to hang with is so good for Henry. I see him learn words, social skills, even motor skills just about every time we hang out with kids, his age or not. It's going to be a little tougher pretty darn soon (Toby, hear that -- soon! Come on!) but I feel sure it will be worth it.
So if you want to hang out, go ahead and call. I'm into answering the phone right now.
One of my half-written posts is about my aversion to the telephone. Here's the quick version of that: I hate the phone. I don't know why exactly. I don't like my cell phone or the house phone (yes, we still have a land line). I don't like picking up voicemail or listening to the answering machine. I'm not into making calls, and I tend to not even like getting calls about 95% of the time. I tolerate the phone as a necessary evil in my life, but I really dislike it tremendously.
When you really try to avoid the phone like I do, it makes it tough to hang out with people. Other people like the phone, and it is a very useful tool for making plans and keeping in touch. I'll give it all this, but I still hate it. So it's really tough to make plans and playdates, and moving beyond the kind of acquaintance, getting to know you kind of interaction gets pretty stunted.
My mommy groups have helped tremendously with overcoming this difficulty. I've found that mamas that I see because we have a regular meeting time and place have, by default, become my sort-of friends, and what's very cool is that many have become really-truly friends. Of course, I still feel like there are a lot of people in my extended community that I ought to see more often (or at all), but don't. Even with my mama friends, my reticence to get on the dang phone ends up making it tough to make friendships stick very well, especially now when life is shifting and there are fewer organized times and spaces for interactions -- meaning I've got to be more proactive in the reaching out and planning. I'm working on that pretty actively now.
I've been able to start the seeds of a community of mamas around me (or at least see that the seeds have been sown) but now it's time to get down to the business of really making that work. It's kind of exciting, especially now that I am not working and can be more flexible with the schedule. (I'm also a little more desperate for things to do, as trying to entertain Henry on my own every day is just plain crazy. Kid needs more variety than that, and frankly so do I!)
I am working on all this, because I really really like so many of my mama friends, and miss so many of my friends that I just don't talk to much anymore because of the differences in our lives. Getting out there is so good for me, and having kid-o's to hang with is so good for Henry. I see him learn words, social skills, even motor skills just about every time we hang out with kids, his age or not. It's going to be a little tougher pretty darn soon (Toby, hear that -- soon! Come on!) but I feel sure it will be worth it.
So if you want to hang out, go ahead and call. I'm into answering the phone right now.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day
It's Mother's Day. I get to sleep in while Bret and Henry make breakfast, so I won't worry about not being able to sleep right now.
I wish I could say that today was nothing but love and joy for me, because in many ways being a mama is all about love and joy. But it's far more complicated than that, particularly this year. There are several elements to explain, so I will do my best to unravel things, partly because working them out in some sort of order will, hopefully, help me think them through too.
First: Becoming a mama opens your heart to this deep, infinite well of love and emotion. To be able to love as purely and deeply as you love your babies is, in short, indescribable. I don't think I can even begin to think about putting words to it, because it is so intense, so personal, and so mutable. It's also so deep that you hardly notice it most of the time. But, it also opens you up to a range of emotions that make it hard not to be affected by the world in very personal ways, even when things have nothing to do with you. Everything becomes immediate if it can be at all related to your family, even in purely analogous ways. Your range for empathy increases infinitely, and, let me tell you, pregnancy hormones increase that range even further.
Second: I have never dealt with death in healthy ways. You could say I just don't deal with it, and that would be an understatement. I have been to one funeral in my life, in fourth grade (my great grandfather's). I just have not been able to bring myself to go. I have been fortunate not to lose many people I care deeply about, but have not been able to learn how to grieve in healthy ways.
Third: I miss my friend. Losing a mama friend just before Mother's Day makes it hard to find pure joy in being a mama on this day. It shouldn't, and I know I need to move on. And I will. But I miss her. I miss her particularly in this moment when I am days away from giving birth to my second child, and feeling excited and incredibly terrified. I miss her for selfish reasons (I wish I had her wisdom with me, and her assurance, and her love), and feel so much guilt about how poorly I have dealt with missing her.
I wish I could say that being a mama, today, was pure love and joy. I wish that I could say that about to become a mama again was nothing but exciting. But I'm scared. And sad. And also filled with love and joy so boundless I never knew it was possible.
I don't know if only mamas get to know emotion so deep that it explains the concept of infinity, but certainly it's a mama law that mamas get to know it.
I wish I could say that today was nothing but love and joy for me, because in many ways being a mama is all about love and joy. But it's far more complicated than that, particularly this year. There are several elements to explain, so I will do my best to unravel things, partly because working them out in some sort of order will, hopefully, help me think them through too.
First: Becoming a mama opens your heart to this deep, infinite well of love and emotion. To be able to love as purely and deeply as you love your babies is, in short, indescribable. I don't think I can even begin to think about putting words to it, because it is so intense, so personal, and so mutable. It's also so deep that you hardly notice it most of the time. But, it also opens you up to a range of emotions that make it hard not to be affected by the world in very personal ways, even when things have nothing to do with you. Everything becomes immediate if it can be at all related to your family, even in purely analogous ways. Your range for empathy increases infinitely, and, let me tell you, pregnancy hormones increase that range even further.
Second: I have never dealt with death in healthy ways. You could say I just don't deal with it, and that would be an understatement. I have been to one funeral in my life, in fourth grade (my great grandfather's). I just have not been able to bring myself to go. I have been fortunate not to lose many people I care deeply about, but have not been able to learn how to grieve in healthy ways.
Third: I miss my friend. Losing a mama friend just before Mother's Day makes it hard to find pure joy in being a mama on this day. It shouldn't, and I know I need to move on. And I will. But I miss her. I miss her particularly in this moment when I am days away from giving birth to my second child, and feeling excited and incredibly terrified. I miss her for selfish reasons (I wish I had her wisdom with me, and her assurance, and her love), and feel so much guilt about how poorly I have dealt with missing her.
I wish I could say that being a mama, today, was pure love and joy. I wish that I could say that about to become a mama again was nothing but exciting. But I'm scared. And sad. And also filled with love and joy so boundless I never knew it was possible.
I don't know if only mamas get to know emotion so deep that it explains the concept of infinity, but certainly it's a mama law that mamas get to know it.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Mama Law
There are certain things I have come to love about being a mama. There are things we can expect, things that seem axiomatic, things that soothe and comfort even in the midst of complete chaos. These are Mama Laws that only mamas get to know.
Even though perhaps the biggest Mama Law of all is that nothing is totally within your control anymore, I have found that I can expect and embrace that most of the time. I've learned to let things go, and can even find peace in a messy house, a hectic week, or a midnight waking.
But there are other, powerful Mama Laws. One Mama Law is that as mamas, even when we can't control things, we can love. We can support. We can nurture our babies. We are strong, and are there to protect them as fragile little creatures who are new to the world. We are fierce, even as we are the peaceful center of these beautiful children's lives. We protect, even when we are terrified or sad or confused. We may not have control, but we find strength that defies reason.
As with any law, there are exceptions. All human bodies are fragile, from the tiniest baby to the healthiest mama. Sometimes, completely outside of anyone's control, bodies break. Even mamas die.
Throughout my pregnancy with Henry and through his infancy, I was supported by a group of mamas in my neighborhood. Beautiful, strong mamas who were peaceful and reassuring. Mamas who shared in my joy, calmed my fears, and introduced me gently to the world of being a mama.
One of these beautiful, vibrant mamas died unexpectedly last week four days after giving birth to her second baby. There was no way to predict the pulmonary embolism, and no way to prevent or treat it. She was a strong mama, a powerful mama, but bodies are fragile and so the cruel exception to the Mama Law of Strength leaves all of us who deeply loved her trying to make sense of things.
When the words "Marylynn died" were uttered, my world shifted in ways I can't explain. For me, Mother's Day (two days later) was harder than I thought I could bear. I wanted to think of anything except being a mama. I slept. I blocked it out. I couldn't celebrate the joys of being a mama when the Fierce, Strong Mama Law was not enough to protect one of the strongest mamas I have ever known.
But then there is the Mama Law that there is even peace in chaos. It's in honor of Mama Marylynn that I will celebrate this Mama Law for now, and work to find peace and strength even in this chaos.
Note: It wasn't a pulmonary embolism after all, but rather what I believe is called "spontaneous arterial dissection."
Even though perhaps the biggest Mama Law of all is that nothing is totally within your control anymore, I have found that I can expect and embrace that most of the time. I've learned to let things go, and can even find peace in a messy house, a hectic week, or a midnight waking.
But there are other, powerful Mama Laws. One Mama Law is that as mamas, even when we can't control things, we can love. We can support. We can nurture our babies. We are strong, and are there to protect them as fragile little creatures who are new to the world. We are fierce, even as we are the peaceful center of these beautiful children's lives. We protect, even when we are terrified or sad or confused. We may not have control, but we find strength that defies reason.
As with any law, there are exceptions. All human bodies are fragile, from the tiniest baby to the healthiest mama. Sometimes, completely outside of anyone's control, bodies break. Even mamas die.
Throughout my pregnancy with Henry and through his infancy, I was supported by a group of mamas in my neighborhood. Beautiful, strong mamas who were peaceful and reassuring. Mamas who shared in my joy, calmed my fears, and introduced me gently to the world of being a mama.
One of these beautiful, vibrant mamas died unexpectedly last week four days after giving birth to her second baby. There was no way to predict the pulmonary embolism, and no way to prevent or treat it. She was a strong mama, a powerful mama, but bodies are fragile and so the cruel exception to the Mama Law of Strength leaves all of us who deeply loved her trying to make sense of things.
When the words "Marylynn died" were uttered, my world shifted in ways I can't explain. For me, Mother's Day (two days later) was harder than I thought I could bear. I wanted to think of anything except being a mama. I slept. I blocked it out. I couldn't celebrate the joys of being a mama when the Fierce, Strong Mama Law was not enough to protect one of the strongest mamas I have ever known.
But then there is the Mama Law that there is even peace in chaos. It's in honor of Mama Marylynn that I will celebrate this Mama Law for now, and work to find peace and strength even in this chaos.
Note: It wasn't a pulmonary embolism after all, but rather what I believe is called "spontaneous arterial dissection."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
