Well, here we are in 2012, listening to hateful white men talk about hating gay men and keeping contraception away from people. What a rad start to the new year (I deleted the news apps from my phone. It's better that way, at least during the election cycle, I promise.)

In mama news, Henry is solidly potty trained. It's a hot-damn miracle. Toby, not so much. But to have just one kid pooping himself is so awesome, I can't adequately express the joy it brings.  Henry has also progressed in his ability to play in a group, interact with peers, and socialize generally with many different kids in many different situations. It's Phenomenal. He's phenomenal. He is building wacky Rube Goldberg machines everywhere he can, or at least setting up marble runs and dominoes to be knocked down. He will school you on the periodic table, but he will also come give you snuggles and love you like no other.

Toby is a maniac. He is doing great with his eyes - good pressure, good reflexes - but he has a thing about wearing contacts. He's gotten touchy about it since we switched to the RGP lenses, and his glasses are starting to fall apart. We have to check in about all of that and make sure everything is cool, and find out if strapping him down to get contacts in is a worthwhile endeavor...

Bret has been working hard at getting everything together for our home renovation, and it's awesome. He has done a lot of hard work clearing things out and getting things together, and now we begin the nitty gritty process of whittling down a number so we can sign a contract, and commit to the months of work that are to come.

I've been off again, on again sick. At the moment, I feel OK, but have absolutely no voice. And a nice cough to boot. Crimping my resolution style - no yoga for me while breathing and head down mean extreme discomfort, but thanks. Soooooon. I have managed to organize projects so that one thing gets my attention at a time, and a million projects aren't in progress or sitting in the box ready to pop out, since really only one at a time is a reasonable thing.I will make Bret his cardigan by the end of the year.

I've decided to grow my hair out for Locks of Love, since it's long (accidentally) already and I might as well have a purpose for just being lazy about the mane. Ans a reason not to on the fly go in and get it hacked off.

I'm making plans to run a 5k in July. Making plans to clean the hell out of this house and Waldorf-ize it asap. I'm going to learn more stitching, and get freaky good at that. I am going to make felt and wool toys for my kids, and for the Morning Meadow store. I a, going to create a fantasy gnome village in my playroom for Toby to enjoy, and hope Henry gets on board. I am going to make the underside of the bunk bed into a adorably stitched Solar System, and male the Alphabet for their walls. Eventually, I will get to making Henry the periodic table I promised last year.

I also plan to teach Henry how to play more games - like chess - that his Aspie friends like to play. I think it would be a great tool for him to learn to think strategically in that way, and also a good way for him to experience losing (the other kid is WAY good) and being a good sport.

So for now, we are reassessing. We are rearranging. We are prioritizing.

For me, canning jam and pickles and tomatoes and other things is way at the top of the list. But so is being present for our kids, creating things for them that are special, and engaging them on a level that is impossible when the dreaded TV is on. We are working on it. Working hard. It always feel like I'm a few steps behind my aspirations, which should be an impetus to keep moving, but has become, of late, an easy way to say, whatever. Getting past that whatever, getting into life fully, embracing my inner hippy, and finding the beauty and love that is in this community we are so lucky to have - those are my resolutions.

I also resolve to get back here more - I will revamp the schedule, but I believe that there will be a minimum of three posts a week - a homey/crafty/yummy one, a simple moment captured, and a post reflecting on motherhood, for me , and all that means. This I have to tweak as I am still setting up our family rhythm chart, and my work here has to fit into that rhythm as well. I'll be talking more about that, possibly here, possibly on a new blog chronicling our implementation of KJP Simplicity Parenting into our home and lives - have to decide what I can handle in terms of upkeep. But it will be a journey, nonetheless.

So, Happy New Year. Blessed Epiphany (how does one say that?). Welcome to the slow introduction of 2012, where things in my life and community are awesome, and where I have decided to shun all news of the nonsense playing out in crazy towns across America right now.

Love and peace, V

Schedules and more!

I've been neglecting thoughtful blog posts lately, mostly because I have hardly had the time to breathe, what with boys, lunches, therapies, cleaning, trips, getting sick, knitting, and sleep. (Don't knock those last two, they make all the others possible I tell you). Today I'm writing for real, juggling two topics, and hoping I manage to get to everything in a moderately coherent few paragraphs.

Topic #1: The Second Child Syndrome
I realize that every second child gets a little less attention that their older counterpart, just by virtue of the math involved. Twenty-four hours in a day can only be divided so many times, and every child has to take a bit, so siblings get just a bit less than than eldest did when s/he was solo. In our house, Toby gets probably a little less attention than most second kids, since Henry requires a lot of time and energy. Aspergers is a tough nut, especially before age five, so while mommy and papa work very hard on making sure Henry keeps it together, Toby gets to fight for attention.

This fight he's learning might be a good thing, except that he is really working for the attention hard, all the time, and it's affecting him at school. Today he went back to try to do naptime again, since he has been doing really well with lying still for naptime at home. We are fully bribing with Oreos, but I need the kid to nap, and I really really need him to nap at school because otherwise my schedule becomes this completely unruly beast that might well be the end of me.

With Henry, we had to focus on ten million things all at once, and were working on getting him to learn about talking and having a conversation, and also trying to teach him self-control. His melt-downs were just not the same beast as Toby's very typical two-year-old tantrums, and Henry was simply not the little demand-machine that Toby is most of the time. We are novice parents again, but novice parents who are stretched absurdly thin trying to manage getting a four year old with Aspergers ready for life. Toby's missing out a bit, and I'm not sure how we fix that. We need to. He needs us to fix it, because he needs to learn things from us. And we need to be teaching him and feeling good about that, rather than feeling guilty, exhausted, and frustrated - especially when he gets sent home from school for disrupting naptime. (Fingers crossed, today is his magic turn around day. We need your vibes!)

And all that brings me to... Topic #2: The Schedule Dilemma

Striving for a simple schedule is a fundamental element of the parenting philosophy that I want desperately to embrace. After seeing Kim John Payne talk, listening to his CDs, reading his books, I feel him. I do. I'm having a rough-as-hell time integrating simplicity into our home life, in large part because I have this conflicted feeling about scheduling.

Everyone says that kids with autism and Aspergers need to get as much intervention as possible before age five - that this window is crucial to their development, their chances for success now and in the future - this is the make-it-or-break-it period. So we are getting Henry as much therapy as we can. We are also encouraging peer interactions by having him in his Waldorf school five days a week, which gives him space for free play with peers, a rhythm for the day and week, a community for friends, and space for mama to get some things done when she can focus on them fully. Henry's schedule is nuts, though.

Here, you be the judge - sample week:
Monday: Speech therapy 8:30-9, Hyperbaric 9:15-10:15, School 10:30-1:45, ABA therapy 2-5, Social Skills Group 5-6. Dinner, bath, bed at 7:30.
Tuesday: OT 9-10, School 10:15-3
Wednesday: OT 9-10, School 10:15-2:45, ABA 3-5
Thursday: Speech 8:30-9, Hyperbaric 9:15-10:15, School 10:30-3:00
Friday: School 8:30-1:45, ABA 2-5
Saturday: Speech Language Pathologist student meeting, Therapy Center Kids Fun night
Sunday: School Michaelmas Celebration

I'd love it if we could have a simple schedule, but I'm genuinely not sure how to make that happen without sacrificing some of the therapeutic opportunities for Henry. Oh, and this schedule ignores the fact that he and his brother get sick, his brother has to see the eye specialist about every month or so, and we inevitably have to rearrange things to accommodate things like the school district evaluation he has tomorrow (all day? I have no idea) because they want to judge for themselves, not trust all of his therapists about how he is doing.

Also playing into this dilemma - Toby and the naptime... I drop Toby at school at 8:40, and if he doesn't stay for naptime, I have to pick him up at 11:45, before lunch. Then I have to feed him and figure out how to make a nap work, and ALSO figure out how to manage driving Henry around in the afternoon when Toby is sleeping. You see, kid needs to nap at school, so I can pick him up at 2:40, making every day but Wednesday completely manageable. For me.

I have knitting in Mondays most weeks, and Bret has work many Wednesday nights. We juggle all of this but it's getting a bit absurd. Oh, and trying to potty train kids with this schedule - honestly, just thinking about it is making me want to stab a fork in my eye. Especially because Toby wants attention, so he'll tell you he has to go potty, ALL THE TIME. But still pee his pants. It's rad.

If I was trying to work right now, I would completely lose it. I know that millions of parents do juggle all this crap, four other kids, and also two full time jobs, and MY GOD THEY ARE AWESOME. They are not me.

So, superhumans, or regular humans with brains that can figure out these things: thoughts on getting Toby in line? Thoughts on getting our schedule into a more manageable state? Thoughts on finding joy in this chaos? I'll take it all.

Now, looking back over this, I'm feeling like this is more of a rant than a post that is meaningful and helpful in any way, and I feel badly about that. I'm not going to change it, however, because I really don't have any answers here. I'm feeling my way through blind, so a little complaining is about what I've got. For now. I do see things getting better. I have a feeling I'm getting better at managing things, even though it seems like I am not better at it most days. It's the rare occasion that someone asks me a question, and I have an answer, or Henry initiates a peer interaction that is totally normal, or Toby and Henry get wrapped up in giggles chatting across the dinner table that I think, wow, this is OK. And because I have those moments, I do know it's all OK, even when I moan about it.

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Totally unrelated to my ramblings, my sister-in-law has a lovely blog, and a lovely giveaway running until Wednesday, and since she is lovely you should visit The Lovely Owl today. And every day.

Wordless Wednesday: Our Very Long Day

And It's not really going to let up anytime soon...

Busy

We have been so busy so far this week, and as of now, we will be for the rest of it too. Mornings have been packed, and afternoons have been spent playing in the backyard mostly (it's doing great, check it out!)


Here is a sample of my new life with Henry, replacing conference calls and drafting deadlines...

Monday: Target shopping for things we need, like storage boxes, shower liner, sponges, bungee cords (they didn't have any I could find), ironing board pad... you get the idea. Mall playtime for an hour (that place is a little bit sketchy, but he loves it and I can guard the only exit without running around). Lunch at Chick-fil-A (I know, I know...). Home just in time for nap. Afternoon art projects with paint and puppets.

Tuesday: Swimming with Alex, Mimi, Ben, Sophia, and Maya. Lunch by the pool, and home for a nap. Afternoon naked time with water and swings in the backyard. (Note: Naked sliding is not the best thing, and I think Henry's down with this concept now.)

Wednesday: Playgroup at our house, in our fun new backyard! Afternoon... hmmm (Bret's not home until super late, so we have to figure something good out so as not to go crazy before bedtime!)

Thursday: Swimming at the community pool with Karen, Sebastian, and Sarah. Possibly an additional playdate early in the morning.

Friday: MusikGarten (music class), playtime and lunch with Maya.

With 3 million things to do, I have been trying not to nap when Henry does, but it's very hard to get anything accomplished when you are ready to pass out. I have been doing some napping, but more nothing because I am trying not to nap (but can't quite get it together to work on things). All this seems kind of ridiculous, so I have a new list of things that I need to get done, and I hope to work through some of it this week and then this weekend.

I've also been working on a couple of knitting projects - Mr. Noisy and Brobee for Henry, and a blanket for soon-to-be Toby. I'll try to update on those pretty soon, but honestly, you may be waiting a while (the projects may be waiting a while too!).

Now I am going to go take a nap, thank you very much.

Mama Law: "The question is not whether we can, but whether we should."

I'm in my last week of work as a prisoners' rights attorney, and I have been going crazy trying to get a case filed against the federal government before I go. I won't get to see it through, but I want to get it in place for my client and co-counsel, because it's an important issue, and the client really needs medical treatment.

In discussion, we've been trying to decide whether to bring a certain claim as part of the complaint. We've been debating the legal theory and the risks/rewards - we've been agonizing over it. The details of the claim aren't important here, but what a lawyer in my office said to me about the discussion really is: "The central question isn't really whether we can sue him individually, but really whether we should sue him individually." Exactly.

I can't get this out of my head.

This is kind of always the central question, outside of legal analysis anyway. So much is not about whether you can do something, but whether you should.

I'm leaving work because I don't get to spend enough time with my son. And I am too stressed out to truly enjoy my limited time with my husband. Could I keep working? Sure. I could. If there is anything that the past few weeks have shown me, it's that I can get tons done at work, make the house run, and make things run smoothly with my marriage. But is this break-neck pace what I really want? Do I really get to spend quality time with my family? Am I nurturing my relationship with my son and being the best parent I can be?

Recently, I heard a new mom talking about how she was in her "fat jeans" after six weeks, and was already back in her normal clothes eight weeks after her C-section. She's been going to the gym a lot. She's also "doing as much or more work on maternity leave as she does at the office." I hope all of that is working for her. Maybe it's my own six-months-pregnant hormones doing the emoting, but contemplating that made me unbelievably sad. It seems like yesterday that Henry was six weeks old, but actually, he turned two yesterday (happy birthday little love!). The time passes so fast, and it's pure magic. The thought of getting back into your life almost as if there is no change makes me wonder - should you do that? For me, it's clearly no. (Of course, I don't even know if I could do all that, but even for her - I wonder - she can, but should she?)

This notion of "should I" is central to my parenting style - how did I never know how to articulate it?! I am kind of a nut about making sure that we respect Henry's nap, food, and bed times. He can be a little flexible, but he thrives on routine. He has since he was six weeks old when he put himself on his own schedule. There are lots of things that we could do - events in the evening, lunches out on weekends, trips, etc. We could, but we shouldn't. It messes him up and makes him sad. I know other things work for other people, but I have to admit - I see babies being toted about at all hours, not allowed regular naps, and not allowed to thrive on being a kid, and I wonder - sure, that's fine, and parents can do whatever they want. But should they?

I sound judgmental - I am a little. But I also respect that people need to do what they feel, babies are different, and the should varies by family. It's balanced between what is possible for a family and what a family wants - life gets cobbled together where these converge.

I think it's kind of amazing that in these last weeks, these last moments of my current career, an offhand comment about case strategy would make me feel like I have a parenting center - a strategy that I feel good about (even though the reality is it's not always perfect or easy, but it feels good to feel that center). Oh, and we've decided we both can and should sue the guy, which in this case feels good too.