From the archives.

An Open Letter to the Designers and Manufacturers of Clothing for Infants

November 6, 2007

Dear Designers and Manufacturers of Infant Clothing:

I know that your wacky and totally random guides to sizing are not really your fault, because babies truly come in all shapes and sizes. I have gotten over my gripes about having to remove scratchy tags and deal with weird, stretchy necklines, because these things seem inevitable aspects of clothing generally, and really seem to be inextricably tied to baby clothes specifically.

There is one thing that, no matter how much I try to rationalize it, I simply do not understand. You all need to get together and discuss this, because I think all of you are to blame on this one.

My nine month old has no need for hip pockets in his jeans, khakis, sweatpants, or any other pants. His motor skills are very advanced for his age, but not even the most advanced nine month old needs hip pockets.

I think we can all agree that pockets on baby clothes generally serve no practical purpose. Babies don’t have cell phones or wallets to tote around. I would guess that any toy that passes the toilet-paper-roll test would fail the tiny-baby-pocket-size test, and that by the time they realize that these little pouches attached to their clothes are a great place to stash a handful of Cheerios, those babies would have grown up to be toddlers. This hip pocket thing has been happening since he was born.

I concede that there are (dubious) fashion components to butt pockets, the over-sized pockets on the legs of cargo pants, the front pocket on overalls, and even the breast pockets on baby tees. In fact, I will go so far as to say that I have seen these breast pockets utilized as anchors for pacifier tethers.

I also admit that I while I think the above-referenced pockets are over-the-top on baby gear, I can see the point. Not so with the hip pocket.

In the wash, both adult and baby pockets are turned inside out. Adults can put hands in pockets to flatten them out, babies just look goofy and unkempt about half the time. These little pockets do nothing (even in theory) but make the baby pants more “adult-like,” which may on some level be "cute," but is really pure silliness.

Please, consider sewing these pockets shut and eliminating the guts of the inside pouch. I think you’ll find that this would prove to be a very small change in your operations, and might even save you money in the long run with savings on fabric for the innards.

Get it together people. All things considered, I think I have been rather patient with you all, and deserve this one thing.

Sincerely,
VCH

The above was submitted to McSweeney's Open Letters, but apparently I thought it was more clever than they did as it was ignored. My mommy message board thought it was hilarious though, so take that.