Surprise!

Becoming a mama means a lot of things, including losing the luxury of being free to do all those idiosyncratic things you did when you were alone before you had a baby. The whole concept of surveillance gets re imagined for parents, because having a baby suddenly means that you are responsible for watching a little person all the time. And that becomes normal, which makes everything you know about "privacy" shift. Or at least that's how I feel.

Before I was a mama, my partner would be at work for long shifts. Early in our relationship, the shifts were at times when I was home, so I got to laze about if I wanted, eat what I wanted (or skip dinner and eat ice cream!), read, watch TV, go to the park, go shopping, see friends - whatever I felt, I could do it without worrying about what anyone might think of how I was spending my time. As my pregnancy progressed, he changed his work schedule to mesh with mine more - we worked at the same times so we could see each other in the evenings and prepare for baby. I still could go home in the middle of the day and take a nap if I wanted, or watch TV, or take a sick day and have time to myself to recharge (or be sick - that would happen too!)

For a while after Henry was born, he slept in our room and we had audio monitors for when he was napping. Once he started pulling up and crawling in his crib, we turned to a video monitor to keep tabs on the active little guy. Somehow, since we always have to know he is safe when he is awake, knowing he is safe when he is asleep makes sense to me now. But, at the same time, I find myself feeling more surveilled as well - I don't get those times to myself to read in bed on a Saturday, or eat Lucky Charms for dinner, or take a mid afternoon nap for no reason whenever I feel it come on. I have to have reasons for my actions, or we all have to agree that we are going to have a relaxing, quiet morning together that serves no purpose at all.

Since I am a working mama, and my husband is a full time papa, the chances I have to be in the house by myself are very rare. These chances to be alone are even more rare for Bret, since Henry is a little person with needs, who you have to be aware of even when he is sleeping.

This reconceptualization of what it means to be in the world has caught be a bit off guard. Certainly you know going into parenthood that your life isn't just about you anymore, and that your baby's needs will trump yours every time, but the reality of that is way more intense than I ever expected. I can add it to the very long list of things I didn't entirely expect, but of course, that things will surprise you endlessly is just another Mama Law.