Sometimes There Are Moments...

One thing I have discovered during this crazy adventure of becoming a parent and all the hullaballoo that comes along with it is that I sometimes don't want to be a parent. This is not to say that I don't adore my children and that I am not head over heels in love with every teeny tiny thing they do, but I miss being able to call it in every now and again. I miss being able to stay in bed on a Saturday and read a whole book. I miss being able to, on the fly, make plans at 5:00 for a dinner date with friends that night, and have the option of dancing afterwards just be open. I miss sleeping in until the last possible moment and running around getting ready in five minutes and flying out the door - and having that be OK.

I don't miss these things all the time, but lately I have been missing them a bit more than perhaps I ought to miss them. It could be that winter makes even the most energetic among us want to hibernate (shut up, it does and you know it) or it could be that juggling all the therapy schedules with fundraising for Henry's school, my own therapy, diet, yoga, and other aspirational plans is hard. I almost always lose the "who's got the most important appointment" game, and all the snacks wreck my diet. If I had will power it would be easier, sure, but hey.

Today wasn't one of those days, though. I was surprised. I was tired and cranky in the morning, and wanted to go back to bed more than anything. But Toby is cute, and we managed to make it to the kitchen for his milk with lots of smiles and squeals, and that set us on a good course for the day. Things went pretty smoothly, all day. Henry went to school. Toby and I shopped at TWO grocery stores. He napped. I napped. We woke up at the last minute and picked up Henry. Now, in a perfect world I would have not napped, been ready for the post-school snack demands, had everything together and my gym clothes on, and I would have made it to yoga. But that didn't happen, and instead of being annoyed or stressed, I let it go. I let the boys play and watch a couple of shows while I did a few things, and then we just unplugged for a while. We tickled and laughed and played. It was fun, and I found myself genuinely enjoying spending time with my children more than I have in a while. That sounds awful, but it's really just that I have so much on my plate these days, I find it hard to let go and just BE with them. This afternoon, I did, and it was awesome.

And then, after dinner and bath time, Henry and I bundled up and walked around the front yard finding out what the big stars were. His iPad is awesome, so you point it at the sky and it tells you what you are seeing. His favorites were Jupiter and Beetlegeuse (I am sure I spelled that wrong, screw it), and he was terribly disappointed that there was no moon tonight. It was a lovely, random, brief encounter that made me remember how much I adore this kid. He can be difficult, and his challenges are very real, but he is awesome. And sweet. And smart. It was the perfect way to end a great day.

There are a million kinds of moments in parenthood; I'm hoping that this year I will be able to have a lot more of today's moments, because they are wonderful and sweet and make all the early mornings worth it. OK, maybe not ALL the early mornings, but at least two days a week.

(almost) Wordless Wednesday

Toby has been carrying around his rain boot all day. And hugging it. I just thought this was pretty cute, but apparently he stashed pretzels in there and has been snacking. Now I'm on the fence between cute and a little gross, although he's never worn the boots much, so I'm still leaning toward cute.

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Sent from my iPhone.

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Adrift, for three days.

Thanks to the cleverness of my lady friends, the kindness of my husband, and the desperation of Carnival Cruise Lines to sell tickets, I am about to embark on a little, tiny jaunt to the Bahamas. Nothing fancy; we leave tonight and return Sunday morning early, and we are only docked in Nassau, which is not the most exotic or exciting place in the Bahamas, and there is a good chance of at least some rain.... BUT, I am super excited to have a few days of adult conversations that are not interrupted by requests for help with play dough or mediation over wooden food items. I'm excited for time to read, and sleep, and just be. I may work out. I may drink a little. I may buy a grass bag, who knows! I will drink lots of free iced tea, read, knit, and sleep (hopefully in the sun by the beach or the pool) and will not feel guilty for more than a moment. I'll miss my boogers, but they are home with papa, getting excellent quality boy time together, so that will be magic for them.

Off to pack, now that I am less than two hours from my departure time... Oh, when will I learn that procrastination is not the best policy? (or is it...?)

Open Letter to Myself, Ten Minutes Ago

Dear Self, ten minutes ago,

You are about to promise to make your son a periodic table that is both large and will stick on the wall, and also will be able to have each element as a card on the floor. And you are going to agree that it will be black.

Darling, this is crazy. You don't have the time to make this. You don't even quite know where to begin, and in ten minutes you will both regret this promise and remain befuddled as to how you will make good on it.

Before you speak, think about the fact that Henry has a photographic memory, and will continue to remind you about this promise at inconvenient times until you satisfy his desire for said large, playable, periodic table, and you will feel guilty until you figure this one out.

If any crafty folks out there want to help by throwing out ideas for you, I'd recommend sending them something nice as a token of appreciation. It's only fair.

Sincerely, Yourself, right now.

P.S. You are stealing this Open Letter format idea from Andi, but since you are disclosing this and giving her a shout, I don't think she will mind.

Oh, the irony.

The weather is amazing. A little chilly for some Floridians, but delicious for this one. My garden, having drunk all the amazing rain a few days back, is basking in the rising winter sun and is happy as can be. My kids are (knock wood) healthy. Stocked kitchen (I'm back on my diet, but even my diet-food coffers are stocked). Awesome yarn stash. Promising start for henry to get into ABA therapy down the street from my house, and good prospects for insurance coverage! Good prospects for finding a little daycare for toby, where he can play and hang out with someone other than me all the time (he will love charming new folks, it's his favorite). Life is good, except...

My goodness, I hate that except. I do.

I have no energy and I'm cranky as all get out. I got shingles on my eyelid, and it is so damn painful I can't even begin to adequately describe it. I look freaky, hurt, have splitting headaches and swollen glands, and fear I am about to give chicken pox to my husband. I know I just have to wait it out, but blech!! And ouch!! It makes being in the knelt and enjoying all the amazingly beautiful and wonderful things in the world quite hard for the moment, which sucks because I still see and appreciate how darn good things are and really REALLY want to just enjoy.

But I'm all cranky pants. Boo.