No, I am not on Facebook.

I think maybe we miss out on a lot because neither Bret nor I has any desire to sign up for Facebook. And we probably won't do it. I don't check the Myspace. I canceled my Friendster in like 2004. Seriously, can't we all revive letters or something? I know it's a lot to ask, but I miss mail. And really don't want to remember another password.

Really?

I found this funny. I admit, I was aghast to discover that both my Master's and my Juris Doctor diplomas would be in English. I guess Georgetown is out of step (which I should have known, I mean they call my Bachelor's an A.B. to accommodate the Latin, which is surely weird.) I have to say though, my high school and undergraduate diplomas look far more fancy...

Good friends

This morning I was talking to a mama on the phone. Me talking on the phone with a mama friend was something special in and of itself, but more on that later. She was talking about another mama moving away, and how sad it was because it's so hard to make new friends as an adult. Bingo! (She is such a smart mama.)

One of my half-written posts is about my aversion to the telephone. Here's the quick version of that: I hate the phone. I don't know why exactly. I don't like my cell phone or the house phone (yes, we still have a land line). I don't like picking up voicemail or listening to the answering machine. I'm not into making calls, and I tend to not even like getting calls about 95% of the time. I tolerate the phone as a necessary evil in my life, but I really dislike it tremendously.

When you really try to avoid the phone like I do, it makes it tough to hang out with people. Other people like the phone, and it is a very useful tool for making plans and keeping in touch. I'll give it all this, but I still hate it. So it's really tough to make plans and playdates, and moving beyond the kind of acquaintance, getting to know you kind of interaction gets pretty stunted.

My mommy groups have helped tremendously with overcoming this difficulty. I've found that mamas that I see because we have a regular meeting time and place have, by default, become my sort-of friends, and what's very cool is that many have become really-truly friends. Of course, I still feel like there are a lot of people in my extended community that I ought to see more often (or at all), but don't. Even with my mama friends, my reticence to get on the dang phone ends up making it tough to make friendships stick very well, especially now when life is shifting and there are fewer organized times and spaces for interactions -- meaning I've got to be more proactive in the reaching out and planning. I'm working on that pretty actively now.

I've been able to start the seeds of a community of mamas around me (or at least see that the seeds have been sown) but now it's time to get down to the business of really making that work. It's kind of exciting, especially now that I am not working and can be more flexible with the schedule. (I'm also a little more desperate for things to do, as trying to entertain Henry on my own every day is just plain crazy. Kid needs more variety than that, and frankly so do I!)

I am working on all this, because I really really like so many of my mama friends, and miss so many of my friends that I just don't talk to much anymore because of the differences in our lives. Getting out there is so good for me, and having kid-o's to hang with is so good for Henry. I see him learn words, social skills, even motor skills just about every time we hang out with kids, his age or not. It's going to be a little tougher pretty darn soon (Toby, hear that -- soon! Come on!) but I feel sure it will be worth it.

So if you want to hang out, go ahead and call. I'm into answering the phone right now.

Important thing

If you ever have a boy in your care who wears diapers, be warned: pointing their wiener down in is very important. Otherwise, you really will end up with pee on the floor. Promise.

When they get old enough to stick their hands down their pants, you're just in trouble. Double promise.

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day. I get to sleep in while Bret and Henry make breakfast, so I won't worry about not being able to sleep right now.

I wish I could say that today was nothing but love and joy for me, because in many ways being a mama is all about love and joy. But it's far more complicated than that, particularly this year. There are several elements to explain, so I will do my best to unravel things, partly because working them out in some sort of order will, hopefully, help me think them through too.

First: Becoming a mama opens your heart to this deep, infinite well of love and emotion. To be able to love as purely and deeply as you love your babies is, in short, indescribable. I don't think I can even begin to think about putting words to it, because it is so intense, so personal, and so mutable. It's also so deep that you hardly notice it most of the time. But, it also opens you up to a range of emotions that make it hard not to be affected by the world in very personal ways, even when things have nothing to do with you. Everything becomes immediate if it can be at all related to your family, even in purely analogous ways. Your range for empathy increases infinitely, and, let me tell you, pregnancy hormones increase that range even further.

Second: I have never dealt with death in healthy ways. You could say I just don't deal with it, and that would be an understatement. I have been to one funeral in my life, in fourth grade (my great grandfather's). I just have not been able to bring myself to go. I have been fortunate not to lose many people I care deeply about, but have not been able to learn how to grieve in healthy ways.

Third: I miss my friend. Losing a mama friend just before Mother's Day makes it hard to find pure joy in being a mama on this day. It shouldn't, and I know I need to move on. And I will. But I miss her. I miss her particularly in this moment when I am days away from giving birth to my second child, and feeling excited and incredibly terrified. I miss her for selfish reasons (I wish I had her wisdom with me, and her assurance, and her love), and feel so much guilt about how poorly I have dealt with missing her.

I wish I could say that being a mama, today, was pure love and joy. I wish that I could say that about to become a mama again was nothing but exciting. But I'm scared. And sad. And also filled with love and joy so boundless I never knew it was possible.

I don't know if only mamas get to know emotion so deep that it explains the concept of infinity, but certainly it's a mama law that mamas get to know it.

Present This!

My lovely sister-in-law is incredibly socially together, and full of tip-top advice about gift-giving. She always sends the best (read: coolest, most considerate, best-timed) cards and notes, and ALWAYS gives the coolest presents. (I will add a few pics of the awesomeness she and my brother have sent Henry in his 2 years, and me and Bret too, when I can get it together.) She has started a blog about gift giving, and I can assure you, she knows her business. Check her out: Present This!
http://presentthis.blogspot.com/

More hours in the day please. And a few other things.

Ravelry looks like so much fun, but I hardly have time to knit at all, let alone let the addiction overtake me. I wish I could though. I really love knitting.

My to do list is simply off the charts. I need a personal assistant please. And a housekeeper.

I really miss sleep. I get some at night, and have been napping like crazy when Henry does, but it's not enough. I need to crash right now, but it's just not a possibility when my maniac 2 year old is roaming free and I really do need to get through some of aforementioned to do list.

I miss movies. We've watched some lately, but I am finding my attention span suffering from lack of sleep and distractions (like knitting and stressing about how much I have to do right now). I miss the movie theater (although learning to live without it has not been that hard, and I feel bad dropping that much money on 2 hours these days).

Generally, I'd like to have more of an attention span. I've been finding that finishing my sentences, let alone an adult conversation, has become a bit of a chore. I don't think I have been able to have quite the same sustained train of thought since I got pregnant with Henry, and that freaks me out more than a little bit. It also means I end up being stressed out about having had flaky conversations with people after the fact, which contributes to my lack of sleep and further distraction.

So, a few more hours to do some knitting, do some cleaning while Henry sleeps, and watch some movies would be great. A little brain boost would also be awesome. Of course, I would settle for a housekeeper, a personal assistant, and a masseuse. Just for a little while.

Really?

I'm so done with this can't sleep business. Of course, I understand that with the impending arrival of a newborn that I am not in for long, uninterrupted hours of sleep; however, this can't sleep business just might be near an end.

I also can not believe it's Monday and I haven't posted since last Wednesday. So much for goals.

Other things I can not believe this very early morning:

1. Gainesville community pools do not open until 4pm on weekdays (at least not right now). This is crap.

2. I had to make my Twitter updates private due to a slew of sketchy folk trying to follow me. What? (I get Twitter, but so don't get Twitter sometimes.)

3. I can't think of the 500 other things that were keeping me up and actually want to go back to sleep until Henry rises with the sun.

Note to self: Man, that was a lame post.