Clarification, or something like that.

Since posting this a while back, I have had a lot of private comments, and I want to add a little something to clarify, as I think I adopted a bit of a tone that made it seem like I had the answer to some universal "should," which is oh so far from the case. That, and my own perspective on "should" is quite a bit different now that I have been hanging out with a rambunctious 2 year old all day for several weeks, while also getting progressively bigger and slower due to being super-pregnant.

#1: I think it got a bit buried, but what should (ha!) have been the most important thing I said in that whole tirade was that every parent has to make a million decisions every day, week, month, year - and all of those decisions are a balance between circumstances, what your kid wants, what your kid needs, what you want and need, and how it all fits into your life. It's friggin' messy as hell. You have to make decisions and compromises on everything all the time, from what to feed the kid for lunch, to what preschool the kid will attend (or not), to whether or not you should take the AAP's advice on everything (TV, vaccines, car seats - I have to write about all that another time), it doesn't end. The decisions you end up making are as varied as the intensity and impact the decisions will have. There is no universal "should" for ANY of these questions, no matter what the professionals, your mom, me, your nosy neighbor, other moms, or any other "they" might say. The "should" becomes the decision you make, and whether I think it might not be the best thing is so beyond irrelevant that really the only "should" there is that I should shut my mouth.

#2: Decisions about life constantly shift. I was a working mom from the time Henry was 10 weeks old until he was 2 years old. In the balance, this worked for us. When it stopped working - or when circumstances shifted so that we had other options and could think about whether it was working - then what I felt like I should be doing shifted. I have a ton of respect for moms who work outside the home - it is exhausting to split yourself! Trust me, taking care of a firecracker 2 year old all day while incubating a fetus is exhausting too, but I have to admit that even though I am finding Henry incredibly challenging right now, I'm not the same kind of tired all the time.

#3: It is absolutely, 100% none of my buisiness how fast anyone gets into their clothes after birth. (And it's absolutely, 100% none of anyone else's buisiness that my butt stayed in some maternity clothes continuously from pregnancy with Henry to now because they are comfy my bottom clings to extra weight like... I don't have a pithy thing to say, I just stay fat, OK.)

#4: Mamas that make it work are good mamas, no matter what. You have to work pretty hard to screw up a baby - they are just resilliant little boogers. So mamas, ignore me and my judgmental self, and so long as things are working for you, power to you.

#5: I'm not a perfect mama, even when I try. To start, there is no such thing as a perfect mama. And beyond that, even when I try to live by my internal "should" compass, I can't do everything. My to do list is obscene. I'm sitting here, writing this, next to a window that has Henry tongue prints that are months old on it while within eyeshot of crushed graham crackers in the carpet from yesterday. I'm watching Henry spin in circles in his crib on the monitor, hoping he will fall asleep for his nap, knowing there's not a whole lot I can do to make him go to sleep since my belly's too big to let me rock him, and feeling guilty that his playing in there right now means he'll spend three hours in his crib since he'll probably sleep for at least 2 hours. Since I've been home with him, he's learned the words "french fries" and "banana popsicle." He's eaten fewer vegetables (except for tomatoes - he's eaten loads of tomatoes). I have developed a growning sense of inadequacy as a parent, mainly because his behavior is challenging, and I'm not handling that terribly well. There are a lot of "should" moments I let pass because I am tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed. But in the end, it will be OK. We're making it work, in our own little way, and that is kind of the most important thing (or I hope it is!).